tic toc

2011 is minutes away ..

Many people use this time of year to reflect on the past twelve months, and set goals and resolutions for the upcoming year. Whether or not those resolutions last beyond the first week or two is often an entirely different story. For me, I look back at last year and im simply overwhelmed at what has happened. 2010 havent been great to me, it broke my heart over and over, but it still gave me the strength to be able to walk through all of this and be brave to face anything. A lot of things have happened, I met new people, I lost some people, I appreciated a few people, and I'm thankful for a lot of people. I truly believe this year will be different inshallah.

2011, surprise me.

speechless ..

..... and another shock from a close one :)

YA RAB

Ya rab ya kareem la tarodana kha2ebeen.. eshfee omme wa 3afeha ya ra7eeem

F.A.V.O.U.R.I.T.E.S

Favourite colour: navy blue - royal blue

Favourite getaway place: The beach

Favourite perfume (guys): chanel allure sport

Favourite perfume (girls): paco rabanne blackXS

Favourite clothes brand in general: i mix clothes, no specific brand

Favourite person in the entire world: my parents

Favourite country: U.K *London*

Favourite car: BMW's and the dusty old jeeps

Favourite sport player: not a fan

Favourite spot: where? home? my room

Favourite animal: none

Favourite movie: ALOT

Favourite singer: my music taste is too varied

Favourite day in the week: monday

Favourite time of the day: early morning

Favourite holiday season: Summer

Favourite number: 3

Favourite food: SUUUUUSHIIII and italian

Favourite chocolate: Godiva

Favourite cartoon: spongyyy

Favourite superhero: Superman

I miss your smile ..

I'm usually the type of person who would stay strong and calm everyone down whenever something happens. i never really had a breakdown or an explosion as far as i can remember. although i cry at every simple thing, but when it comes to major shocks im emotionally crippled, i'm pretty good at hiding my feelings and not showing what's really inside of me.

BUT the past few months were unbearable, i just cant go through this anymore. im done hiding my feelings its just getting me furious and angry.

I've always known that i'm blessed with a wonderful family and i thank God for that. It's the type of family that is connected in every possible way, i have a brother and 8 sisters that are supportive of eachother, and my parents are my whole life and i cant imagine living without them.

in the past 20 years that i lived, our lives we're practically very routine-ish, but in a good relaxing way, my sisters visit on monday and thursday, the kids play ouside and we sit discussing everything that happend to us in the week .
summers are also great, travelling at the very first week of it and returning two days before school starts.

but this year was different, we didnt travel in the summer because of the swine-flu, and we wanted to continue working on the beach house, it wasn't that bad, can't complain. but at the beggining of ramadan my mom started getting sick, it wasn't serious at first, she just had pain in certain places that lasted for 3-5 minutes, but at the beggining of january, the pain became intorelable, she went to many hospitals but no one knew what she suffered from. so she just stayed at home. and her condition was getting worse by the minute, but we couldnt do anything.

It killed me to watch my mom having that much of pain and not being able to help! i just stood there staring at her everytime and wishing that i could stop it.
at first i just kept talking to her trying to make her laugh and forget about everything, sometimes it worked, and the feeling of actually making her smile is ..... i cant find a word to describe it so i'll just put "indescribable".

when she had her severe pain "moments" no one could have the strength to stand by her and hold her hand so she could get through it, it was too intense and hurtful for them.
but as the strong person they see me as, i'm the one who gets to hold her hand and stand by her, i just stand there like a statue, emotionless and blank.

on march 6th, three days after my birthday, i came to her bed after i got back from college , it was 11 a.m, i thought she was asleep so i kissed her forehead, as i did that she grabbed my arm to show me that shes awake (her voice was really tired from all the screaming, so she wasnt able to talk) she pointed at a paper left on her desk, so i went there and got the paper, there was a spongebob drawing on it (im in love with spongebob, cheesy huh?) and she wrote under it "kul sana wenty 6ayeba ya a7la 3'ada, mamatik" i was too emotional at that moment i just hugged her and cried my eyes out, she tried to cheer me up by joking and making fun of me lol.

so yeah basically march was the last time i actually saw her laughing, after that things got really really bad, and i just kept getting weaker and weaker, but everyone around me, friends and cousins didnt really know how bad the situation was, and how much i felt like dying, but i honestly dont blame them i wasnt showing any of it, i was pretty much normal, i laughed with them , discussed stupid subjects, and acted like i had no worries what so ever, they call me "rayga" that's how much i was suffering to hide my feelings, even the close ones didnt know how i was really feeling, whenever i talk to someone i try to escape from reality a little and just involve myself into this perfect world.

but i seriously can't take it anymore, i'm too fragile, too weak now.

Mommy, I miss your smile.

I'm A Survivor

I was born 3 months too early
The doctor gave me 30 days
But I must have had my mama's will
And God's amazing grace
I guess I'll keep on livin
Even if this love's to die for
Cuz your bags are packed
And I ain't cryin
Your walkin out and I'm not tryin
To change your mind
Cuz I was born to be

The baby girl without a chance
A victim of circumstance
The one who oughta give up
But she's just too hard headed
A single mom
Who works 2 jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands
And the heart of a fighter
I'm a survivor

I don't believe in self pity
It only brings you down
May be the queen of broken hearts
But I don't hide behind the crown
When the deck is stacked against me
I just play a different game
My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changing fast
Who I am is who I wanna be

The baby girl without a chance
A victim of circumstance
The one who oughta give up
But she's just too hard headed
A single mom
Who works 2 jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands
And the heart of a fighter
I'm a survivor

Oh a single mom
Who works 2 jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands
And the heart of a fighter
I'm a survivor

But I must have had my mama's will
And God's amazing grace
I'm a survivor

Forever has Ended

I'm now struggling to get up on my feet .. i'm not sure how i will go on without you,, but just so you know, these past months have been and will always be the highlight of my life. the times that i'll never forget, the times that will remain forever.

I range in anger, sometimes at me, at you , at the whole world, but when i know that you're in a better place now i try to convince myself once again that this was the right thing to do. I try to understand why this happend, why everything crashed and burned, i ask guestions but i get no answer.

Letting go of you is my unforgivable mistake, i hope that someday, sometime you'll understand why i have done that i also hope with all my heart that you'll look back at this and think of it as a "happy memory".


throughout all the pain and doubts, i can now say that i'm on the road of recovery, I WILL BE STRONGER just for you.

Thank you for the wonderful times we shared. I do miss you. I will never forget you.

The Girl I always see ..

There's a girl i always see
But i've never talked to her before

She always stares at me
And that makes me want to know her more and more

I smiled at her and she smiled too
I tried to see into her eyes

To know her dreams and what she likes to do
Make every feature of her personality arise

I wanted to see if her looks reflect her inner self
And if her personality is shown on her face

Because a person could be gigantic in appearance but he's actually an elf
So, the colour doesn't matter, the status, nor the race

The girl I'm facing seems to agree with me
I think i began to know her better

for the girl who's staring is me
i was just looking at myself in the mirror..

Hope

hmm.. this feels weird. so here I am writing again! it's not like a broke the record on posting but, HEY i'm trying.. who would've thought.
The reason im writing this is my sister, she's getting married pretty soon and i'm heart broken :"(. first i would like to talk about her a little. She's 3 years older than me, the "girly-girl" type, into poetry, literature, and painting, she lives right across my room .. and me, myself is 3 years younger than her, i'm more of a "in between" sort of type, into music. photography, and .... surviving I guess .. i think these differences are the reason why i feel like we complete each other. We have been inseparable since the day i was born, it has always been me and her against the world.. we had our fair share of fights, the fights that only lasts for 5 minutes and then everything goes back to normal. She is the only person that i could entirely rely on, she always got me out of whatever shit i get myself into, she has always been patient with my mood swings and my madness, and most importantly she has witnessed my life. why does she have to leave now? .. oh the cruelty of life.