I miss your smile ..

I'm usually the type of person who would stay strong and calm everyone down whenever something happens. i never really had a breakdown or an explosion as far as i can remember. although i cry at every simple thing, but when it comes to major shocks im emotionally crippled, i'm pretty good at hiding my feelings and not showing what's really inside of me.

BUT the past few months were unbearable, i just cant go through this anymore. im done hiding my feelings its just getting me furious and angry.

I've always known that i'm blessed with a wonderful family and i thank God for that. It's the type of family that is connected in every possible way, i have a brother and 8 sisters that are supportive of eachother, and my parents are my whole life and i cant imagine living without them.

in the past 20 years that i lived, our lives we're practically very routine-ish, but in a good relaxing way, my sisters visit on monday and thursday, the kids play ouside and we sit discussing everything that happend to us in the week .
summers are also great, travelling at the very first week of it and returning two days before school starts.

but this year was different, we didnt travel in the summer because of the swine-flu, and we wanted to continue working on the beach house, it wasn't that bad, can't complain. but at the beggining of ramadan my mom started getting sick, it wasn't serious at first, she just had pain in certain places that lasted for 3-5 minutes, but at the beggining of january, the pain became intorelable, she went to many hospitals but no one knew what she suffered from. so she just stayed at home. and her condition was getting worse by the minute, but we couldnt do anything.

It killed me to watch my mom having that much of pain and not being able to help! i just stood there staring at her everytime and wishing that i could stop it.
at first i just kept talking to her trying to make her laugh and forget about everything, sometimes it worked, and the feeling of actually making her smile is ..... i cant find a word to describe it so i'll just put "indescribable".

when she had her severe pain "moments" no one could have the strength to stand by her and hold her hand so she could get through it, it was too intense and hurtful for them.
but as the strong person they see me as, i'm the one who gets to hold her hand and stand by her, i just stand there like a statue, emotionless and blank.

on march 6th, three days after my birthday, i came to her bed after i got back from college , it was 11 a.m, i thought she was asleep so i kissed her forehead, as i did that she grabbed my arm to show me that shes awake (her voice was really tired from all the screaming, so she wasnt able to talk) she pointed at a paper left on her desk, so i went there and got the paper, there was a spongebob drawing on it (im in love with spongebob, cheesy huh?) and she wrote under it "kul sana wenty 6ayeba ya a7la 3'ada, mamatik" i was too emotional at that moment i just hugged her and cried my eyes out, she tried to cheer me up by joking and making fun of me lol.

so yeah basically march was the last time i actually saw her laughing, after that things got really really bad, and i just kept getting weaker and weaker, but everyone around me, friends and cousins didnt really know how bad the situation was, and how much i felt like dying, but i honestly dont blame them i wasnt showing any of it, i was pretty much normal, i laughed with them , discussed stupid subjects, and acted like i had no worries what so ever, they call me "rayga" that's how much i was suffering to hide my feelings, even the close ones didnt know how i was really feeling, whenever i talk to someone i try to escape from reality a little and just involve myself into this perfect world.

but i seriously can't take it anymore, i'm too fragile, too weak now.

Mommy, I miss your smile.